Trina possesses the qualities of a devoted woman. Every Sunday she sits in the third pew and listens intently to the minister’s word. Every third Sunday, she sings lead in her church choir. She’s a diehard friend to the end, something she attributes to the fact she was born a Scorpio, and she loves her man. Yet, one day almost a year ago, she came close to throwing her relationship of two years away all courtesy of a private chat request. Normally, she ignored them, shaking her head at the desperation, but that night she clicked “Accept” and unwittingly started her first “affair.”

She was in a committed, and seemingly happy, relationship. After several late night computer conversations with a male chatter, she began to question whether she was happy. He convinced her to show him a picture of her. Although reluctant, she chose her most flattering picture. Her computer beau told her that she was beautiful and complimented her smiles every chance he got.

“What could it hurt,” T said softly. “It’s not like we were face-to-face.”

It was all so innocent, or was it?

Trina found herself rushing home from work just to talk to him. When her boyfriend fell asleep, she eased out of bed and turned on the computer. Some of their conversations lasted until the sun came up. Oddly, Trina said, “I felt fulfilled when I logged off the computer.”

Then the inevitable happened. Trina wanted to see him face-to-face. They made the arrangements, he was in Georgia, she in Texas. Her heart pounded at the thought of seeing him, but it also pounded at the thought of getting caught. Her morality led her to chicken out at the last minute. Eventually, she severed all ties of communication with him. In all her years of dating, Trina had never thought of cheating on her partner.

Why now?

“It was just easy to do. My boyfriend wasn’t computer savvy, so I didn’t have to worry about him checking behind me. I’m ashamed of my actions now, but at the time I felt a sense of danger and I liked it.”

The Internet has introduced a new dynamic into relationships. It provides the discretion of an affair without the human contact associated with a sexual encounter. A chat room provides an individual with non-stop conversations and the ability to talk about any topic, without the fear of embarrassment. Chatters talk about their relationship problems and reveal intimate secrets about themselves. With the help of a cheap webcam, some users can carry out their sexual fantasies. 

With over 252 billion Internet users, infidelity on the computer is a major issue among people in relationships.  Infidelity in itself is a problem many people face. Add a medium that requires no physical contact or ties and the lines are further blurred. Some consider intimate online relationships acts of betrayal, while others see no harm in them as long as sexual intercourse does not take place.

Monica Whitty, of Nottingham Trent University, said there are two types of infidelity.  “Sexual infidelity is considered to be engaging in sexual intercourse with someone other than one’s partner. Emotional infidelity is understood to be falling in love with another individual other than one’s partner,” she wrote in her article, Emotional and Sexual Infidelity Offline and in Cyberspace. In 2003, Whitty conducted a study in which she asked the participants to rate whether they believed some online activities were a betrayal. The participants rated cybersex as high and almost as severe as actual intercourse. In a follow-up study conducted in 2005, she found that emotional infidelity was just as detrimental to the deterioration of a relationship as sexual infidelity. She concluded that online interactions have serious consequences in offline relationships.

The Lure

So what drives people to start and continue intimate online relationships? The Internet offers the convenience of conversation in real time. The moment a comment is typed and sent on screen the other user receives and responds. It gives the user mobility in because they can talk to people in any country, from anywhere. Internet Cafes and university libraries can serve as safe havens for the user. Cell phone users can access the internet almost anywhere.

Anonymity allows the users to transform into someone else without the worry of discovery. A married man or woman can instantly be single. A couch potato can become an avid rock climber all from the convenience of their home. A shy person is suddenly an outgoing conversationalist with a witty comment for everything. No one would know, unless the relationship goes offline

Users can find other likeminded people. Through conversation, they develop tight bonds. Chatters have a sense of control online. They control how much information and what type of information to share through emails and instant messaging. When the affair is over, the user can press the delete button.

“When I found out my husband was cheating I felt anger. How could he do this to me?” Amber described the feelings she felt after finding out her husband had cheated on her. “I had to check my email real quick so I asked if I could use his laptop. He said yes. Stupid move. I logged on and his MSN Messenger logged him in automatically. No sooner than I opened the browser, there was a blinking orange box at the bottom of the screen.”

Amber says that she was hesitant to click the box. She did not want her husband to think she was spying on him. “But that little voice said ‘click it’ so I did.  It was a woman he was planning to meet later in the week. She wanted to let him know that everything was set. He was to pick her up at the airport in Nashville.”

Careful investigating turned up emails and IM messages that detailed explicit sexual acts they wanted to do to each other.

“I was sick.” Amber made gagging noises. “He never asked if he could do those things to me. I would have said ‘no,’ but my point is he never asked.” When she confronted him, he told her that he met the woman online. They had not done anything so he did not consider it cheating.

Some users feel that internet relationships give them all the benefits of an affair without compromising their honesty.  Many people in relationships are concerned with the physical factor of cheating. “Did you sleep with her/him?” is the main concern. The other partner can answer without hesitation, “No I did not.” However, as Amber’s story shows, internet relationships have the potential to continue offline.

Online Cheating Sites

Several sites designed to help the weary cheater have popped up on the internet, but AshleyMadison.com is the most popular with over 5 million anonymous members. The website’s slogan is easy to remember: Life is short, have an affair. Applications for iPhone and Blackberry make it easier to cheat than ever before. Unlike most chat rooms, ashleymadison charges a fee to cheat. The site is free to join, but if you want to engage in a chat session or send personal emails, you have to buy their credits.

Joining is easy, and members can choose their limits: short-term, long-term, cyber affair/erotic chat, whatever excites me, anything goes, and undecided. If you are not happy with your offline affairs that you found on the Internet, you can get a refund. CEO, Noel Biderman, said Ashley Madison did not create infidelity. Biderman asserts that his site doesn’t make infidelity easy or convenient. People stray because their “primary” partner is not providing them with what they need. So if a person is going to cheat, why not cheat on their site.

“Sites like this promote infidelity and blame the unsuspecting spouse,” Amber stated as she read their FAQs. “I do not understand how they can sleep at night knowing they are encouraging this.”  Easy. AshleyMadison states, “Our role is to keep them (cheater) from taking unnecessary risks while they explore the feelings that got them to our website to begin with.” The site advises their members to practice safe-sex by informing their members of acts considered “safe.”

AshleyMadison advises singles to try harder and build trust. Attached members overlook single members because a single person has no ties; therefore, nothing to lose.  

Noel Biderman states his site did not create infidelity, and that much is true. However, the fact they dissuade single users from using their site indicates their primary purpose: to promote infidelity. Their target market is the married man or woman. This means any contact made on this site might lead to the destruction of one’s marital vows. AshleyMadison makes it easy to find that other person, thereby opening the door for the inevitable divorce, mistrust and dishonesty.

When asked if she would have visited this site, Trina said she would never visit a Web site like ashleymadison. “I wasn’t seeking someone to cheat with, it just happened—almost happened. If you go to a site like this it means you WANT to cheat.”

The secrecy and lies actually deterred Trina from taking that final step. “I would never get caught up like that again.” However, Trina’s experience helped her realize the truth. She loved her boyfriend. “I went to him and told him that I felt our relationship was over. We talked and I cried, but in the end we were closer than before,” she said as she held up her engagement ring.

As for Amber, she is still working to rebuild her trust in her husband. “Sometimes he tells me that he’s going to hang out with his friends and I immediately think he’s lying. But I know if I want this to work, I have to trust him at some point. I don’t know how long it will take but each day is getting better.”